Yesterday's July 4th festivities indicated that if there's one thing Americans love more than freedom, it's blowing shit up. After a lifetime of pyrotechnic excitement restricted to sparklers, which generally don't blow up in your face or present the possibility of losing a finger, I finally experienced the pleasure of holding a toy consisting of an inch-long, lit fuse attached to small cylinders of explosives wrapped in festive paper. The bangs and whirling, colorful sparks are, in my opinion, only a fringe benefit of the home fireworks; the real fun is the nearness of gratuitous danger. "I may have lost a chunk of flesh, but instead a got a flashing light!"
Our nation's scientists seem to agree. In an attempt to create the firework with the greatest danger-to-visceral entertainment ratio (DVER) possible, they hurled a big heavy piece of metal at a comet. They named the project "Deep Impact" after their favorite pornographic film. "Deep Impact" was a resounding success: on July 3 at 10:52pm EST, the big heavy piece of metal hit the comet and made a big thud and a brief flash of light. The incredibly boring display, compared to the possible ramifications of throwing something into a comet, like the extinction of life on a planet, far surpassed the DVER of the previous record-setting event, Jim Thompson Mixes Bleach and Ammonia Just To See What Happens.
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2 comments:
with that title, i thought this post was going to be about your new haircut: the one where your bangs start big and slope down your forehead until they are little.
perhaps i will have a post of the same name describing such a hairstyle. except i think i want the bangs to start little and slope until they are big.
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