'seven samurai' vs. 'magnificent seven'

Last night, as part of the Father's Day festivities I participated in with my dear Dadoo, we watched Kurosawa's "Seven Samurai" (awesome thing #22 about Dadoo: love of Japanese samurai movies). I've seen it before, but that was a few years ago and I remember having trouble getting through the full three and a half hour lenght of it. This time, however, I thoroughly enjoyed every minute. I need not waste your time elaborating on the wonderousness of Akira Kurosawa. But I was really struck this time in how "Seven Samurai" is far better than it's American re-make, "The Magnificent Seven." Now this may seem obvious, but "The Magnificent Seven" isn't a bad piece of 1960's Technicolor Hollywood output - I mean, Yul Brynner, Steven McQueen, and Charles Bronson together in a cowboy movie is enough for me.

A few reasons "Seven Samurai" is way better:
- In "Magnificent Seven" the battle lasts, oh, fifteen minutes or so. You know, "Let's show some fake-looking shooting with as little blood as possible and make sure we finish up before the womenfolk start fainting on us." "Seven Samurai"'s lasts three days or so, ending in the final battle with the farmers and bandits slogging around in torrential rain.
-Kyuzo, aka the Bad Motherfucker. Kyuzo, quiet, somber, physically unimposing, but "dedicated only to improving his skill" and ready to kick the shit out of anyone in three seconds, is the fucking shit. No character in "Magnificent Seven" comes close.
-Kikuchiyo and Shino rolling around in the hay. The obnoxious 16-year-old and the whiny mexican chick are about as real as a plastic wedding-cake topper.
-People die, and it sucks. Every death of a major good-guy character in "Magnificent Seven" is somehow twisted so that you're hit over the head with the thought that the character is much better off dying. Like, "Oh, how nice, he has a little Mexican boy to cry over his grave. If I had a little Mexican boy whose pure stupidity caused my death, but who also promised to cry over my grave, why, I'd pray for death right now!"
-The song-coordinated rice planting. Strangely similar to the Electric Slide...
-Granny taking out the first bandit with a pitchfork. Even the most noble of the samurai won't stand in the way of an elderly lady seeking revenge with a dull gardening tool.

Sort of a side note is the sheer amount of agonized wailing that occurs in "Seven Samurai." I'd like to edit together all of the melodramatic screams into a fun little film.